Ask An Educator: Decrease in Desire

22 Jul

“Okay I think my libido is gone and am only 24. I am scared to lose my husband. Help!!”

decrease desireDoes this scenario sound familiar – You used to come home and jump your partner as soon as you got in the door and now you just want to curl up with a book and go to bed? The truth is, this is perfectly normal and happens to just about everyone. Desire can be a very cyclical thing and sometimes, it just wanes due to our body cycle, the weather, stress or just … because. There isn’t anything wrong, it’s just how your body has decided it’s going to respond right now and that’s ok! The good news is that dips in libido usually sort themselves out. Now, from the wording of your question, it sounds like this has been going on for a while and has you worried so let’s look at some of the things than can adversely affect a person’s libido.

birth control pillsHormonal Birth Control: Hormone based birth control is one of the biggest culprits when it comes to a lowered libido – especially the oral variety. If you have just started a birth control regimen or have recently changed your birth control, check in with your GYN and let them know what is going on. More than likely, your chosen birth control is changing your hormone levels in a negative way and you can work with your doctor to chose a method that will work better for you.

Other Medication: There are a lot of other medications on the market that can affect your sex drive. Just recently, one of our sex educators was wondering why she had lost all interest in sex and it turned out that the Flonase she was taking for her seasonal allergies was to blame! Take a look at the side effects of any medication you may be taking (over the counter and prescription) to see if lowered interest in sex is listed among them. Even if it isn’t listed on the info sheet, jump online and see if other people have had similar experiences with the medication. If it looks like one of your meds may be to blame, talk to your doctor to see if a change can be made.

Stress:Stress takes a tremendous toll on the body. If you have been under an extreme amount of stress lately, it could have caused your libido to shut down for a bit so all of your energy could be diverted to dealing with it. Try taking up meditation or yoga and don’t forget to take some time out each day for yourself – take a bubble bath, go to a museum, do whatever makes you happy. Once you reduce stress, your libido will begin to return.

yes no maybe list Relationship Issues: Issues with your partner, even minor ones can really do a number on your libido. If there is tension between you and your partner, set aside some time to really sit down and talk. See a therapist if you think that would be helpful. Communication isn’t just the key to a successful relationship, it’s the key to a great sex life as well! You mentioned in your question that you are worried about losing your husband because of this. Be open and honest with your partner and let them know how you are feeling. Tell them your concerns and work together to find a solution that works for both of you! This conversation is also a great time to talk about what you and your partner want from your sex life. Talk about what you like and don’t like, what you want to do and don’t want to do, try a Yes, No, Maybe list – anything to get you talking and communicating.

I hope this helped shed some light for you. Remember, sex can mean so many things so if you aren’t feeling a particular kind of sex right now (penetration, oral, etc.) give something else a try (erotica, massage, sexting) and see if that gets you going. Again, I really urge you to communicate with your partner. Keeping these worries to yourself will only make you feel worse in the long run.


*Please note that no one on the Secret Pleasures staff is a certified medical doctor or mental health professional. The above answer is opinion and should not be construed as professional medical or mental health advice. Please ALWAYS consult your medical doctor before changing or stopping any medications.

One Response to “Ask An Educator: Decrease in Desire”

  1. R December 16, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

    At age 23 I realized that I had lost all interest in sex, despite the fact that I enjoyed sex when I did have it. I think a number of the things this blog post points to were going on: I was quite stressed and I was on hormonal birth control, when I was more relaxed at stop taking the pill I wanted sex more often. I had a number of new relationships and would want sex for a while and then stop after a few months. I thought it was unlikely that I wanted some other sort of sexaul activity, as I had relationships with men and women, with people who were GGG and kinky, and yet I would lose interest. When I started being physical with someone with whom my kinks just aligned, I was really surprised—I had no idea sex could be that enjoyable. I have a low sex drive relative to average, but this made me realize I have one. So don’t discount the idea of finding other activities that work for you.


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