Don’t Ask. No, Really… V2.0!

21 Mar

we are beside ourselvesA few months ago, we published a blog of the most common questions that we are asked that we, quite frankly, wish would stop. The blog was so popular that we were asked to do a second edition. Who are we to argue? So here it is folks … Don’t Ask, No, Really Pt. 2!

can I open this?1. Can I open this?

We get that you want to be able to see and feel what you are buying. That is why we have displays of nearly all the toys we sell. You can pick them up, turn them on, see what they do. But sealed boxes? No. Due to health and safety restrictions in the District of Columbia, products must remain sealed. For the same reason that you can’t go into the grocery store to poke around in a bag of frozen peas, you can’t open the boxed lingerie, dildos, toys, etc. that are in the package. If it goes on a body or in one, chances are that it needs to be sanitary. Besides, would you want to buy a toy that we let everyone touch? No, I didn’t think so.

poppers2. Do you sell “Poppers?”

This question “popped” up (ha, see what we did there) in our last blog and the answer remains the same – No. We still do not, and never will, sell “poppers”. Please stop asking. Really, just stop.

want a date? danger zone3. Will you go on a date with me?

This question also appeared in our last blog and the answer remains the same – while that is flattering, it is not going to happen. Our educators are here to educate. We like you very much … but, you know, as a friend.

why is this so expensive? 4. Why the !@#$ is this so expensive?!

Many of our toys are handmade in small batches which is more expensive but also ensures that you end up with an beautiful and unique toy. Our handmade toys, understandably, tend to be pricier than their mass produced cousins because they take more time and effort to create. Also, silicone, ABS plastic, and many of the other materials that we sell are more expensive to manufacture because they are body-safe. They will not break down or melt into a gross, oozy puddle of what was once a toy. They will also not leach chemicals into your body (double gross!) and lastly, they will not harbor bacteria. You can disinfect/clean these materials. Safety costs more but safety should also mean more when we are talking about a toy that you are putting on or in your body. Can you really put a price on that?

you may not use the whip! 5. Can you use this whip/paddle/crop/chastity device on me?

*blink* No.

c-ring or napkin holder? 6. Do you have somewhere I can try this C-Ring on?

You are free to purchase your C-ring, travel to an undisclosed safe, sane, consensual location, and try your ring on at that time. If you are concerned about the fit of non-stretch rings such as steel, aluminum, or some TPR then we suggest you measure yourself at home so that you can come in with an idea of what size you may need. No, we do not take returns “in case it doesn’t fit” – sanitize it, superglue some beads on it and turn it into a nice napkin ring! 🙂

safety first 7. “But I didn’t open it…” Can I return it?

We can “exchange only” any plastic sealed games or products within 14 days of purchase date with the original receipt. The packaging or box must be in new condition and still COMPLETELY SEALED in it’s plastic covering.  If you purchased a toy whose box doesn’t come heat sealed in plastic, we have no way of guaranteeing that you did not open or use that product. Because safety and the integrity of our stock is of the highest importance to us, that product is yours to have and to hold until boredom do you part. Enjoy!

that's rude 8. Can I show you this photo [of my penis] or would that be inappropriate?

Sir, we understand you are seeking to find a toy that looks similar to whatever you may or may not be carrying downstairs. However, it is vastly inappropriate and disrespectful to show us nude photos of yourself. We do not need to see them in order to do our job. You are going to have to sort out the length/girth for yourself outside of Secret Pleasures. Your best bet is to go home, measure it, and return with a better idea. Our Vixskin dildos have exact measurements on their description cards if you’re looking for something lifelike. So, no, you can’t show us a photo. We didn’t consent, we don’t want to see it and you REALLY don’t want to see what we will do if you proceed with showing us anyway.


* What are some of the questions that we love getting?

“I’ve never owned a toy. Can you help me pick out a toy?” (Yes! Just like our last blog, it is always an honor to help someone on the road to self pleasure)

“Is this toy waterproof and rechargeable? Is that even possible?” (Yes and yes!)

milanos“I want to bring you guys cookies. What kind do you like?” (MILANO!) … Ok, we are still waiting to be asked that last question but chocolate chip cookies & Milano cookies continue to make us super happy!

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