Ask An Educator: Trying Something New

23 Feb

My husband and I are like the ” blind leading the blind” when it comes to sex. I want to try so many different things. Many are outside of our small “sex option box.” I often read erotica novels and dream about being dominated, like many of the leading ladies,  but my husband is prideful with the subject and I am often left unsatisfied and disappointed. Now sex has become something that I shy away from because I already know the ending and that’s frustrating. What do you suggest ?

newGetting stuck in a sexual rut can be incredibly frustrating – especially if one partner wants to try something new and the other partner is reticent. So how do you move forward and create a fulfilling and exciting sex life while still honoring our partner’s feelings?

For many, change can be scary and threatening for any number of reasons – not the least of which being the fear of doing something wrong.  The key thing here is to assure your partner that you love them and that wanting to try new things isn’t a criticism of them but a desire to expand your horizons.

Try showing your partner some of the erotic stories that have turned you on. Even if you don’t go on to do any of the things in those stories, sharing sexual fantasies can be a powerful aphrodisiac.

A “try out” jar is another fun way to spice things up. To make one, give yourself and your partner 5 pieces of paper each. On those pieces of paper, write a sexual fantasy or scenario that you would like to try out (your partner will do the same). Fold up all of the pieces of paper, place them in the jar and then once a week (or however often you want to indulge), pull a piece of paper from the jar and do whatever it says. This is a great way to make sure that all parties are getting their needs met and the spontaneous nature of it can be invigorating and playful.

Lastly, sit down with your partner and do a yes, no, maybe list. It may be that your partner thinks that by you asking him to dominate you, you mean being thrown into a cage when all you really want is a spanking (or vice versa!) The yes, no, maybe list is a great tool that helps you explain all of the things you want to do (or might want to do) and compare those things with your partner’s list.

Communication, patience, and understanding is the key here. Explain to your husband how much this means to you and see if you can come to an agreement for how to proceed. If none of these ideas work, couples therapy might be the way to go. But no matter what, don’t ever think your desires are unimportant or silly. Everyone deserves to have a fulfilling sex life and hopefully these tools will help get you there.

Best of luck!

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