What the Kink?! Lions, Tigers, & Challenges

9 Mar

african-safari-travelYou are faced with a challenge: finding your way through a jungle with no map and a general idea of where you want to go. What do you do?

Do you gather resources and plan? Do you run into the jungle armed only with what you are carrying in your backpack? Do you reminisce over the olde days of Oregon Trail and the awesome survival skills that you exhibited during that journey? (I never made it to Oregon, for the record. Dysentery, tragic.) Anyway, the point is, you are trying to get from point A to point B and there are challenges in your way. 

Everyone has to jump through a flaming hoop (not always literally) at least once throughout their kink journey, whether it be over-excitement, uncertainty, social implications, an accident or injury, lack of opportunity, a non-interested partner, or an overly-interested partner. Let’s talk about some hurdles that you may face.

  1. Gender Assumptions
    There has been an ever-growing movement to change how we interpret gender not only in the USA, but around the world. People want equality, safety, and the ability to express themselves in the gender that they identify with, regardless of what was assigned to them at birth. A penis means someone is male? The presence of a vagina must mean that you like pink, are going to be a cheerleader, and will make $450,000 less than anyone with a penis. Society has thrived on this outdated interpretation. Just because someone presents as male does not mean they identify as male. The same holds true that just because a male may enjoy a submissive role in a relationship does not make him a wimp or a lesser man. If a woman enjoys a Dominant role in a relationship this does not mean that she is “crazy”, a “feminist”, or “evil”. People are far more complex than this; It is unfair to the individual and to your chances of getting to know them as an entire person. Lastly, it’s rude, which requires no explanation.


  1. Guilt / Shame
    “Is this normal?” I’ve encountered this question countless times coming from people who simply want to explore BDSM. It’s ok to have this thought (as long as thoughts/actions involve people 18+, that can give consent). Many people struggle with the idea that they are alone on an island with horrible bondage ideas in their head. Lucky for them, there is a whole community (hundreds of thousands of people) that share these same ideas! There is nothing that you can think of that someone, somewhere has not thought of. (If you do, patent it!) Suffice to say, you are not alone. This does not make your personal obstacles any easier, but company and understanding from a support network definitely makes the journey worthwhile. Allow yourself permission to leave those feelings at the door and explore what you think is important for self-growth and personal awareness.
    Huge crowd


  1. Frenzy & Overzealousness
    Read through the following quickly:
    I must do everything on this list. I want to spank 12 people before the night ends. I want anyone that has rope skills in any fashion to use it on me. Why don’t they like me? Did I do something wrong? How do I do this, and that, and this over there, and that too?! Play with me!!Now that you are worked into a frenzy, this is exactly how many individuals tackle the BDSM scene, not usually with this intent in mind, but because they are excited.That excitement grows when individuals see or hear others doing things that they are interested in. The feeling of “kink must be executed a certain way” can also grow. Please note that there is no “one true way” to do things EXCEPT safely, sanely, consensually. If your scene did not look like the scene from that amazing porn flick that you watched last night with person X strung up to the Saint Andrews cross and person Y is beating them with a flogger, then a cane, then tickling them until they are screaming for mercy, etc. Hang on a minute! It probably will not look like that because you probably are not those people with those distinct feelings and emotions, or those specific wants and needs. Express what you hope to gain from the interactions with the person/people playing with you as well as what you hope to give. Remember, people are going to escape bondage, a condoms fly out of hands, lube spills, paddles break, and people end scenes when they want to, despite the “initial plan”. Don’t focus on the mission/kink – communicate and focus on the people.


  1. Access to resources/education/others
    Certain areas of the globe, individual countries, even states restrict the import/use/sale of sex toys, as well as sex education in general. The Phillipines restrict sexual reproduction rights and education to this day (year 2015). Alabama is the last remaining state in the U.S.A. where selling sex toys remains illegal. This puts a large damper not only on toys, but on education, resources, and the practice of BDSM in general. If you are living in those areas, A. Congratulations for locating this blog entry. B. You are going to/have experienced a lack of access to quality education and resources. If you are in a country that does not mandate pornography laws that restrict access to information of a sexual nature online, there are some positive resources out there for you. Local groups in D.C., for example, such as Black Rose (br.org) offer monthly information sessions and meet ups where individuals can learn from educators and BDSM lifestyle participants for 15+ years. Seek out your local education groups or books on the subject matter. Ask for a persons CV or qualifications/references as an educator or BDSM practitioner.

    See resources below for further information.

If kink is a new concept to you, I suggest you take things slowly and explore. You may reach your destination and happily stay there. You may reach the destination and then wonder “what’s next?” For some, the initial destination is now a milestone that was passed 200 miles ago. This is about the journey, not the destination.

Further Resources:

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guides (Bondage For Couples)

50 Shades of Kink by Tristan Taormino

Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino

Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams

The New Topping / Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy

Sensuous Magic by Pat Califia

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