Ask An Educator: First Time Bottoming

1 Jul

This is the first in a series of blog posts created for us by our guest educator, Dr. Ruth Neustifter. Stay tuned for more  information from this fantastic educator!


Hello I’m a male and I need some tips for when I first bottom? I’m really nervous about the whole situation and I need some guidance.

gladI’m so glad you’re thinking ahead on your first bottoming experience! Since you’re email is short on details I’m making a few guesses here.  First, I’m guessing that you’re bottoming sexually and that you’re planning to do that by receiving anal sex. This information should be helpful regardless of whether you’re bottoming with a strap-on or with a flesh penis. Secondly, I’m not sure whether this is with someone you know well or not or if you’ll even be communicating with that partner about your date first. I’m going to answer as though you will be able to have some conversations with them first, but I’ll also include some information in case you’re not. Here are some things you might consider!

  1. sliquid sassyHave you been enjoying anal play on your own yet? It’s great to know what you like and how your body responds to anal stimulation and pleasure before introducing it with a partner. You can have lots of fun on your own just using your own fingers and ample amounts of lube, or try an anal safe toy and lube. Take it slow and enjoy exploring! It shouldn’t hurt; that’s your body trying to communicate with you so don’t ignore it. As you learn about your body you might consider how to communicate what does and doesn’t work to your date/s.
  2. Splash washOne of the number one things people ask me about for anal play is cleanliness. Talk with your partner/s about your shared expectations for how much prep work you will put in for bottoming. This is a highly personal decision based on many things like what turns you on, your health, and how you feel best about your body. Some people change their eating habits, use cleansing products, and more. Others prefer it all natural, or somewhere between the two. I will say that it’s unrealistic to try to make your butt something other than a butt, and if you or your partner/s can’t handle the possibility of at least a little mess then it may not be a good match. If any of your partners’ preferences don’t feel good to you and they’re not willing to respect your preferences for yourself, then this may not be the time, place, or person for this activity.
  3. cansWhat are you hoping for out of this experience? What about your partner/s? What tone or personality would you like for the encounter? How much conversation do you want to have first? What makes you feel safe, turned on, and whatever else you want to feel? What do you need afterward to feel good about the experience? Have a direct conversation about all of this, either verbally or by texting.
  4. Glyde Dental DamsSafety is also important. Take some time to educate yourself on the risks of the anal play you want to experience. Rimming, shared sex toys, and penetration all have potential risks. It’s up to you and your partners to come to a shared decision on how much risk is ok with you. Untextured condoms, gloves, and dental dams also have the added benefit of being smoother than skin and easier to keep slick with lube. Speaking of lube, make sure you have a lot of body/barrier safe lube both for comfort and safety; a slippery anus is a happy anus with a reduced risk of skin and barrier breaks. These days conversations about sharing pictures and details online is also an element of safety.  And, again, if you can’t reach a good shared decision then hold off and try another time or with other people.

It’s worth repeating: what is going to make this a fun, sexy, happy experience for you? Going in without knowing and communicating that answer is going to make it less likely for you get what you want and need. You’re worth a great sexual experience so spend some time finding out what you think you might want and making sure your partner/s are on the same page. I hope you have a wonderful first time bottoming!

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