Here with another installment of “Ask An Educator” is our guest educator, Dr. Ruthie!
I am very shy when it comes to spicing up my sex life with my boyfriend. I recently got him to give anal sex a try for me. And we found that that works the best. Now I want to ask him if he could perform oral sex on me. I have given him oral on numerous occasions and he enjoys it. I have never had oral sex performed on me before. How do I go about asking him to try it on me?
From the sounds of it you’re already doing a lot of great exploring with your boyfriend! I’m so glad to hear that you’ve already been able to add something you both enjoy. If the two of us were chatting in the store I might ask you how you introduced the topic with him, and what you liked best (and least) about the conversation. I’m guessing that you had (or discovered) some new sexual communication skills then that could be helpful with introducing more new activities. But sometimes just bringing up the topic can feel more scary than the rest of the conversation that comes afterward. It can be really anxiety provoking to not know how our partners will react to the things we want to invite them to try with us. One of my favourite resources here at the store are these fabulous lists of possible sexual activities that individuals and partners can use to mark whether they like the idea, don’t like it, or are unsure. It’s a great way to get all kinds of good ideas, to think about what you might enjoy on your own, and to introduce conversations about it all.
While you’re here you might also explore some sexy stories, guides, or videos. The two of you can read or watch them together and share what things look like fun to try or not. Remember that just because somebody likes something doesn’t mean it has to happen or that you should both like it. Think of it as an opportunity to get to know each other better without obligation. For example, I hate the taste of olives but one of my friends loves them. This doesn’t mean the other has to either give up or start eating olives, it’s just something nice to know about each other. And when we find foods that interest us both we can then decide how we want to make a cooking date.
By the way, you might also want to talk to him about your expectations for how pleasure is exchanged in the relationship. I can’t tell from your email if it’s bothering you that you’ve given him oral and he hasn’t returned it, but if you would like a more reciprocal exchange of pleasure and activities then that is also worth discussing. It’s possible that he didn’t know you wanted to receive or didn’t want to be pushy, and hearing more about how you would like to navigate the balance of pleasure could be helpful information for him, too.
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