Ask An Educator: Navigating Femme / Femme Relationships

31 Aug

Dr. Ruth Neustifter helps a reader navigate their first femme / femme relationship.


A few years ago I fell in love with an aggressive female. Love making was a breeze because she was the aggressor. She never wanted me to do anything.  I did learn the art of cresting the breast. Since that time, I’ve left that relationship and started a new relationship with a feminine woman. Love making has been more of a challenge, as we are both lesbians who have been only with aggressive women. I’ve tried the strap on with her and loved it; however, I am uncomfortable having her to try it on me. Any suggestions on making love to a feminine woman when you are a feminine too?

welcome Welcome to your first feminine/feminine (or femme/femme?) relationship! I can certainly understand that it might take some adjustment, both in tone and in figuring out what to do. Being femme can come in a lot of forms, and you might find out that you have more than one femme personality between you (or even more for just you)! For example, some feminine women feel very powerful, playful, seductive, silly, glamorous, creative, or initiative in that space. As we know from nonsexual times in our lives, being feminine can be a very active, powerful, fun loving way to be! You may find that you enjoy initiating things in different ways than your aggressive former partners did, once you allow yourself to experiment with different tones and ways of initiating and facilitating play together. After all, being aggressive is just one of many personalities or tones that can get things rolling sexually.

You might also try experimenting with toys, if you have not yet. They can allow for lots of sensual exploring without the same level of physical effort. And don’t forget the lube! Even if you and your partner both get wet easily it can help with nervousness, less wetness due to things like nervousness or seasonal allergy medications, and can reduce friction and over sensitivity.

You might also enjoy watching porn or reading stories to each other that you can follow along with, and adapt as you like. This can be a great way to guide play without either of you having to call the shots. Porn that focuses realistic strap-on sex can also give you ideas for how you might (or might not) like to try that. You might look for queer and female produced porn, such as videos by Pink and White Productions , as they may be more likely to feature strap-on use designed to feel good and not just look good on camera. And it is ok to not like every activity in both directions, or in all ways. Find out how you work best together and enjoy exploring from there!

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