Ask an Educator: Size Matters

Q: How do you make a woman have a orgasm when you’re not well endowed?

A: Here’s is a question we get a lot and honestly it’s no wonder that we do: there are hundreds of magazines and websites constantly talking about penis size, most of mainstream porn fetishizes large penises, and we’ve all gotten unwanted spam emails shouting at us in all caps about the secret to penis enlargement. In a society that has a lot to answer for in terms of body shaming, penis size is near the top of the list of things that everyone has an opinion on. But here’s the thing: penis size isn’t the end all, be all of sexual pleasure. Who wants to guess what is?

Communication!

None of us are mind readers (that I’m aware of) and expecting to be able to pleasure someone exactly the way that they want just isn’t fair to you or your partner(s). Everyone’s body is unique and everyone experiences pleasure in a different way. So what is the best way to pleasure your partner(s)? Ask them. Seriously! Ask them what feels good, what body parts they like touched and in what way. As humans, we have so many tools for pleasure at our disposal. Yes, genitals alone can certainly be fun, but our hands, tongues, other body parts, and even voice can create so many different sensations that often get ignored in our haste to bump our bits together. So sit down, talk to your partner, and find out what really gets them off.

Additionally, it’s important to remember a bit about anatomy here. If your partner has a vulva, it may be easy to jump right into penetrative sex and forget all about the clitoris; but that would be a huge mistake. Upwards of 75% of clitoris owners note that they need some kind of external stimulation in order to orgasm. In other words, penetration by a penis or other object isn’t always a catalyst for orgasm and that’s ok (remembering that everyone’s body works differently.)

So what does this mean for you? Well, for starters it means that penis size may have absolutely nothing to do with your ability to pleasure a partner. Perhaps you can engage in some oral sex with your partner to provide clitoral stimulation or one of you could use a hand during penetration to provide some friction. You could also try a vibrating cock ring, a wearable vibe, or a small finger vibe to add in some stimulation. Lube can be really important too because it can help intensify that deliciously smooth sexual friction that can help lead to orgasms and cut down on all of that dry skin friction that isn’t nearly as much fun.

The biggest thing to remember is that there is nothing wrong with how your or a partner’s body is built. Sex is a journey and an exploration. Check in with your partner, ask them questions, learn their body, and then have fun exploring (with consent, of course!)