Dear Sex Educator,
I have a very small penis and is very self conscious about it. How can I become comfortable with approaching women without thinking they will turn me down due to my penis size?
Worrying about our sexual performance and the desirability of our bodies can steal from our sexual confidence. Being comfortable in the skin you’re in is one of the ways to feel more sexually confident and competent – to feel good at sex. But It is really tough to feel sexy, attractive and desirable when we are constantly faced with images and messages that tell us we aren’t sexy enough. That we don’t have the bodies, the age, the skin, the genitals, that ‘sexy’ people have. So, it’s totally understandable that you’d be self conscious about a small penis, in our society where big dicks are celebrated as a sign of masculinity, sexual performance and attractiveness.
Despite the popular images, porn and messages that show us a narrow version of ‘sexy’, in reality, what people are attracted to and what good sex means, is far more diverse and layered than a big penis. Penises are also more diverse than we see in porn and pop culture, the average size of an erect penis is between 5-7 inches. Penises vary in shape, color, thickness, length, foreskin…so what is on your body might be more comparable to more people than you think.
You can challenge this idea that a big penis is the key to being good at sex by re-thinking what sexiness you have to offer someone. There are three parts to building your sexual confidence:
- Sex is more than penetration.
Research has shown that many people with vulvas don’t orgasm during intercourse. In fact, lots of women need more than penis in vagina to get off and are more likely to reach orgasm through deep kissing, fingering and cunnilingus.
Get good at cunnlingus, fingering and kissing – sex is a skill, think about taking a class or watching educational videos (not porn). Get curious about her body beyond her pussy – think about what you can do to stimulate her erogenous zones beyond her vulva and breasts. Explore giving stimulation to the under-serviced erogenous zones, like ears, necks, backs, bellies, feet, etc. Get creative with pressure, speed and emphasis. Ask for feedback with binary questions (e.g. harder or softer? This side or the other side?) and invite her to direct you with her hand, moans or words to areas that need your attention.
Sex involves our biggest erotic source – which isn’t our genitals, but our brains. Engage your partners’ brains through sensuality (e.g. eye contact), dirty talk (e.g. asking where they want your tongue or hands), roleplay, sharing fantasies and good communication about what feels good and what doesn’t. Try a sexy show and tell and mutually masturbate to learn what techniques she already knows works for herself and that you can use to be more responsive to her body.
- Feeling your own sexiness.
Sexually confident people don’t obsess about favor or rejection from others. They take up space unapologetically in erotic moments and are often more relaxed during sex. Sexually confident people are also attractive because they are comfortable with themselves and can extend empathy during sex. If you’re feeling self conscious about something, it’s probably pretty likely that your partner is too. Lighten the mood by being playful, laughing and showing it’s ok to relax instead of worrying about performing.
Find your own sexy characteristics beyond your penis. What’s sexy about you? Your laugh? Your hands? Your walk? Bum dimples? Your playfulness? Your sexual openness? Your passion? Think about what you find sexy in other people. Remember what compliments you’ve received (even if you didn’t believe it!). Fantasize about what you want your partner during sex to feel – explore intentions or flavours, like submission, domination, devoured, worshipped, surrendered. How would you want them to look at you, what would you want them to say, how would you want them to sound if they were enjoying themselves. Give yourself permission to receive all of their signs of pleasure and let it affirm your own sexiness.
Our culture has a narrative about sex that is about ‘getting sex’ from people – wouldn’t it be great if we could think about ‘giving sex’ to people so we can get curious about what other people’s pleasure looks like different from our own. Give your sexiness, your sexual curiosity and creativity, and your desire to please to your partner and receive their enjoyment and pleasure.
- Sex toys are co-operators, not competitors.
If a big penis is part of her fantasy, or part of a physical sensation she enjoys (e.g. being stretched, ‘feeling full’, exploring depth), think about bringing in sex toys. There are harnesses specifically designed for people who have penises already attached Dildos are awesome because they come in all kinds of shapes, sizes and curves – to help you reach spots in ways that even big penises aren’t sophisticated enough to reach, and they never go soft! You can extend the length of penetration play by using dildos and insertable vibrators.
Also consider strapping on a bigger penis as part of your penetrative play – strap-ons aren’t just for people without penises already attached, they give you an opportunity to thrust using your body and a different penetration tool like a dildo. If she’s into anal play, you can also consider butt plugs to use during intercourse for a feeling of fullness.
You can also use sex toys to increase pleasure during penis in vagina sex – check out clitoral vibrators, couples vibrators like the We-vibe Sync, and even ask her about her favourite vibrator she uses during masturbation. Either you or her can hold it against her clitoris during intercourse.
Sexy is as sexy does. There are lots of reasons to love big dicks, as there are lots of reasons to love other sizes of penises. The person attached to the penis has a lot to offer beyond the size of their genitals – you’ll both have and give better sex as you develop and celebrate those other skills in sexiness.
Secret Pleasures Boutique 
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