Ask A Sex Educator: Building Confidence To Wear Lingerie

23 Apr

Ask A Sex Educator Lingerie

Question: I really want to wear lingerie for my partner but don’t know how to go about choosing something that would make me feel sexy and confident.

Yes! Get your sexy vibe on not only for your partner’s appreciation, but to get yourself flowing with confidence. Lingerie turns many people on because it stimulates our visual sense and our arousal from sex aesthetics. Lingerie can also be a fun way to explore sexy fantasies through costumes, to spice things up between partners, to build body confidence and even to provide a cheeky reminder underneath regular clothing!

 

 

 

 

All bodies can wear lingerie – it’s not limited to feminine people, nor does it have to take a traditional route of hosiery and lace. You can explore lingerie as a punctuation of the sexy vibe you want to conjure. For example, if you’re feeling like a powerful vixen, you may want to explore leather or if you’re feeling like a feisty feline, you might want to explore animal print.

 

Choosing lingerie can be tough, as many of us doubt our own inherent sexiness because we’ve been shown a very narrow view of what’s considered sexy. Most of us don’t meet this narrow image, so we have trouble shifting our gaze to see our own sexiness. Lingerie shopping can also be tough for bodies that range out of standard sizing – many brands don’t offer plus size or accomodate bustier or voluptuous bodies, and if the size range is good – often the cuts aren’t made to flatter bodies outside of the range or might be limited in options for colors or materials.

 

Here are some tips for choosing lingerie and feeling sexy and confident in it:

 

 

  • Make a list about what colors, materials, shapes and designs turn you on.

 

For example, do you like vintage looking lingerie? Do you love images of powerful dominatrixes? Are you delighted by pink lace and ruffles? You might consider starting to collect images of lingerie you think is sexy. Keep an open mind – if you think it won’t work for your body or you could never be that bold – just hang onto the image for the time being. Browse websites, web images, halloween shops and even porn. You are looking for inspiration of vibes, which you can then create using pieces that work for you.

 

Ask your partner – do they have a color that turns them on? Do they have a particular lust for hosiery? Do they like the feel of lace? What would they like to see you in? Include those images in your list for consideration too.

 

 

  • Expand your idea of what is considered ‘lingerie’.

 

Lingerie can include babydolls, teddies, hosiery, bras, underwear, garters, crotchless items, fishnet, lacy dresses, corsets and more. It can also include costumes (e.g. school girl, kitten, superhero), tutus, leather-look/wet look pants, pencil skirt, shredded leggings, bralettes, body chains and harnesses and nipple pasties. Taking an item of clothing and pairing it with what’s traditionally considered lingerie – gives you more options and flexibility as you build yourself into your most confident self.

 

 

  • Think about accessories for your ‘look’.

 

Sometimes dressing up a simple thong and hosiery with a pearl necklace or satin elbow length gloves or thigh high boots or a wig…can give you a completely different emphasis of the look and a new way to own the outfit with confidence. It also gives you more to take off!

 

 

  • Consider lingerie material and features.

 

Think about the material for both practicality and for arousal value. Do you need a corset that has boning for a stiffer and cinched look or a stretchy boneless one that is more decorative? If you’re big busted, halter-style lingerie can put pressure on your neck. Wet-look, latex and leather can sometimes make you feel too warm. Does latex make you feel sexy? Does lace make you feel naughty? Do you like the feel of satin against your skin?

 

You may also want to read the descriptions on lingerie items to make sure they are comfortable for your body – for example, is stretch important to you? Is a corset with a zipper more practical? Are adjustable bra straps necessary? If possible, spend some time browsing in-person at a shop that carries lingerie – even if you’re unable to find your size, get a sense of what the options and availabilities are, how things feel or look in person, what excites you – and then you can always move your shopping online for more variety.

 

  1. Practice dressing up for yourself.

Start by putting on undergarments or hosiery you already own – see what it feels like to move around in private in just your underwear. Notice if you like a particular part of your body, or a cut of the material, or an accentuation of yourself. Also notice any judgement of areas on your body you aren’t so in love with. Sometimes when shopping for lingerie, we shop to cover ourselves instead of decorate ourselves. Having some empathy for the body shame we’ve learned, can help you keep a more open mind when shopping and showing off your new lingerie.

 

When you’ve got some new pieces, use mirrors to check out all your angles, dance or move in a sensual way in front them on your own – even close your eyes, put on your sexiest jam and feel what it’s like to move your body in a sensual way in your new lingerie. Some people find masturbating in their lingerie a great way to break in and connect to the new piece. You can also try sending sexy partial pics to your partner – so only giving them a tease of a picture to show them what they are going to enjoy too.

 

When you’re debuting your new look – set the mood. Put on music, light candles, put out strawberries, tell them to close their eyes until you’re ready – and remember, your sexiness is already there, your lingerie is just a vehicle to show it off and share it.
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