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Ask An Educator: Nervous Top

24 Aug

Dr. Ruth Neustifter gives advice for a nervous top.


I have almost no experience with being a top during sex.  I have tried it, and it never works out, making me feel insecure, inexperienced, embarrassed and terrified to try it again.  Any advice, tips, tricks, must-dos, etc., that could be offered would be so very much appreciated.  Thank you.

on topThis is such an important topic and I’m very glad you asked. First, being a top could mean a lot of things and I hope that I’m guessing right. I’m guessing that you might want to penetrate your partner and also be the more assertive/dominant partner. I’ll do my best to answer for all genders; I hope that you find this helpful. Please let us know if my guesses aren’t helpful here and I’ll try again! Continue reading

Ask An Educator: Owning a Whip

17 Aug

Dr. Ruth Neustifter tackles the question of why someone might own a whip!


So why does a woman have a sex whip? A girl that I was dating said that she had one but had yet to use it.

Why Why wouldn’t a woman (or anyone) have a sex whip? Seriously, though, you’re asking a great question. As the second floor of Secret Pleasures shows, people can enjoy a wide variety of props, tools, and gear that may not seem directly related to genital stimulation in the same way as vibrators and such.

The only way to really know why she bought a sexy whip would be to ask her, but perhaps I can offer a few possibilities why other people come to the store to buy them: Continue reading

Ask An Educator: Being On Top

11 Aug

Dr. Ruth Neustifter is back with another guest addition of “Ask An Educator!”


I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about three months now and I’ve never been on top. He’s always asking me to try but I afraid I won’t be any good at it.  How do I make sure he is satisfied ? And get over my fear of being a topper for the first time?

 You’ve asked a really important question with lots of valuable points; thank you for sending it in. First off, I want to make sure that you’re interested in being on top. Some people want to try it and others can’t or don’t. Make sure it’s a type of creativity that you’re interested in, and not just something that he wants. If you are interested in exploring, but also nervous then that’s ok. However, I’m a bit concerned that your question only asks about you being skilled (not about him being skilled about being on the bottom), about his satisfaction (not yours), and about your fear. None of that sounds like you’re very happy about this idea, or that you’re pursuing your own pleasure and fantasies here.   Continue reading

Ask An Educator: Spicing Up Your Sex Life

8 Jul

Here with another installment of “Ask An Educator” is our guest educator, Dr. Ruthie!


I am very shy when it comes to spicing up my sex life with my boyfriend. I recently got him to give anal sex a try for me. And we found that that works the best. Now I want to ask him if he could perform oral sex on me. I have given him oral on numerous occasions and he enjoys it. I have never had oral sex performed on me before. How do I go about asking him to try it on me?

spice From the sounds of it you’re already doing a lot of great exploring with your boyfriend! I’m so glad to hear that you’ve already been able to add something you both enjoy. If the two of us were chatting in the store I might ask you how you introduced the topic with him, and what you liked best (and least) about the conversation. I’m guessing that you had (or discovered) some new sexual communication skills then that could be helpful with introducing more new activities. But sometimes just bringing up the topic can feel more scary than the rest of the conversation that comes afterward. It can be really anxiety provoking to not know how our partners will react to the things we want to invite them to try with us. One of my favourite resources here at the store are these fabulous lists of possible sexual activities that individuals and partners can use to mark whether they like the idea, don’t like it, or are unsure. It’s a great way to get all kinds of good ideas, to think about what you might enjoy on your own, and to introduce conversations about it all. Continue reading

Ask An Educator: First Time Bottoming

1 Jul

This is the first in a series of blog posts created for us by our guest educator, Dr. Ruth Neustifter. Stay tuned for more  information from this fantastic educator!


Hello I’m a male and I need some tips for when I first bottom? I’m really nervous about the whole situation and I need some guidance.

gladI’m so glad you’re thinking ahead on your first bottoming experience! Since you’re email is short on details I’m making a few guesses here.  First, I’m guessing that you’re bottoming sexually and that you’re planning to do that by receiving anal sex. This information should be helpful regardless of whether you’re bottoming with a strap-on or with a flesh penis. Secondly, I’m not sure whether this is with someone you know well or not or if you’ll even be communicating with that partner about your date first. I’m going to answer as though you will be able to have some conversations with them first, but I’ll also include some information in case you’re not. Here are some things you might consider! Continue reading

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