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4 Ways to Be a Better Monogamist from a Polyamorist

17 Jun

As a person who loves and has romantic relationships with multiple people at once, monogamy is not the best choice for me. However it is a valid choice that works well for many others. With images of my favorite monogamous couple and fusion Garnet, I give 4 tips on how to be better at monogamy. (If you haven’t already, go watch Cartoon Network’s Steven Universe and see all of Garnet’s monogamous badassery.)

1. Choose monogamy.

Like really choose monogamy. Be with your person and only your person. Don’t be compulsory about it. Don’t settle for it because it seems easier. Don’t do it because you’re out of options. And most importantly, don’t go along with it when it’s something you actually cannot do. Remember there are other options if monogamy isn’t for you.

2. Co-define what monogamy means for you and your partner.

In other words, create and understand the boundaries of your relationship. Do not let convention decide for you and don’t let unnamed expectations decide either. Be proactive. Does monogamy allude only to sexual exclusivity but flirting with others is okay? Can you and your partner dance with other people? Patronize sex workers? Share emotional intimacy with others outside of your dyad? Cuddle with your friends? You two decide. It doesn’t have to look like what everyone else is doing but it does have to work for both you and your partner.

3. Know how to navigate conflict.

Are you familiar with the ideal conflict cycle? First you and your partner are on the same page, then something (usually uncomfortable) happens that causes you to be on different pages. The offended party must speak up and say “hey this thing happened; it didn’t feel good; we are no longer on the same page.” The offending party acknowledges what has happened and apologizes. You both take steps to get back on the same page. And BOOM you two are back at the start of the cycle. Of course this is easier said than done. Hence it being the ideal conflict cycle. Pettiness, defensiveness, triggers, and other emotional forms of our human baggage get in the way. Familiarize yourself with the ideal conflict cycle. Practice it with the small stuff so that it becomes easier when things really get bristly between you and your beloved. And while you’re at it, learn the three Cs: compromise, concession, counsel. These get a bad rep but when used with care and without coercion can improve the health and resilience of your relationship.

4. Remember there’s no space for indifference.

Relationships can be difficult. No one deserves indifference. One of my favorite definitions of love comes from Designer Relationships by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson. According to the authors love is profound interest, while indifference is its opposite. Pay attention and stay curious about each other. There are so many fun and pleasurable things to discover about each other. When you are indifferent, you miss out.

And with that I’ll leave you with Garnet’s wise words. Apply them to your relationship.

Ask a Sex Educator: First Time Anal

2 Jul

Q: I want to try anal but never have before. What should I do/try the first time to avoid pain?

A: Anal penetration can be a thrilling and pleasurable activity alone or with partner(s). But getting started can be daunting because of the idea that anal sex hurts – and it can if not done properly. Yet with a little know how and some good lube, you’ll be well on your way to a pain free and (hopefully) fun experience.

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May is All About Masturbation Month

1 May

 

May is a great month for so many reasons: flowers are in bloom, semesters are coming to an end for students, we’re talking about mental health, and we’re masturbating with intention. Yes, May is also National Masturbation Month.

May Month Tumblr

But masturbation isn’t something that’s discussed very often in most folks’ lives (or ever).

Actually, in thinking about how rarely I hear masturbation discussed outside of our store, almost all of the very few examples I came up with had to do with popular songs that mention or allude to the act. It makes a lot of sense: music and eroticism are deeply entwined for a lot of folks, and it only makes sense that they often reference each other.

 So in honor of the month, we’ve put together a playlist dedicated to masturbation and some techniques and ideas for uniquely exciting masturbatory experiences. So grab your earphones if you’d like to follow along and let’s discuss.

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month

5 Oct

breast-cancer-awareness-blog

October is Breast Cancer awareness month and we’ve brainstormed a few ways to actively participate. Whether you’ve got breasts or not*, there are ways to be aware of, acknowledge, and learn how to support breast cancer.

*Just a reminder that everyone, regardless of sex, gender, or chromosomal makeup have breast tissue. A little more on that here.

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Protected: Blow Their Mind: Mastering BJs for All Bodies

14 Mar

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